The Cleanse That Didn’t Happen

I woke up at 6:10AM. I set my alarm for 6:30, but rather than fight to fall back asleep for a minimal amount of time, I accepted my fate and got out of bed slowly, like the cleanse tells me to do. I scraped my tongue (which is more fun than it sounds) and water boarded myself for fun (also known as netipot). In actuality, I do not find the netipot as invasive and annoying as most people I actually kind of like it. It is mostly because on the days and weeks that I do not use it, I can tell and I end up with not only an allergy-filled nose, but also a sore throat.

After those morning staples, I ventured into the kitchen and start the kitchari. Kitchari is what I was supposed to eat for this weekend. Ah yes, instead of binge drinking and stuffing my face with apple pie and cakes with fruit strategically placed on it to look like an America flag, I ate this lovely concoction of mung beans and basmati rice for 12 hours of one day. Spoiler Alert: I didn’t finish the cleanse. But I did learn that kitchari would go really well with some grilled chicken strips…organic, of course.

Before you get too serious, I would like to say that I respect anyone’s decision to do whatever they want. If cleansing makes you happy, go for it. Do what makes you happy. I follow a morning routine centered around an Ayurvedic lifestyle. For me, that lifestyle doesn’t include cleansing. But working around hundreds of children on a daily basis means that I encounter a massive amount of germs. Since starting yoga and my morning routine I have gotten sick less and I have had a more positive attitude about my position (most days).

Eating was supposed to occur at three different times of the day: between 7-8 AM, between 12-1 PM, and between 6-7 PM. The strangest part of this cleanse was not being about to eat as soon as I wake up. I usually am up, put food in my mouth, and I’m out the door to my job. The cleanse calls for waking up early enough to take your time. You have to prepare a new batch of food each morning, and you have to be present. Presently, I was hungry and breakfast still had 15 more minutes to cook. I was also wondering why I was up at 6:00AM on a Saturday when I could have been sleeping all day. Such was life.

After breakfast, which was weird, I decided that resting was important. I went back to bed until 11:15AM, which meant I only had to be presently aware of 45 minutes before I was allowed to eat. I also realized that I had gotten paid, which meant that I could go get vegetables and fruit from Aldi to add to my food. Needless to say, I was very excited.

Upon getting to Aldi I made an executive decision to add a bit more fruit and vegetables to my cleanse. I stopped by a juice store and stocked up on Master Cleanse Juice since they would be closed for the holiday weekend. Lunch occurred at 1:10PM, ten minutes later than the cleanse suggested, but I assumed I would be okay. I added some sliced mango to the mix and was ready to go. I silently noted that it might be smarter to eat fruits and veggies for lunch and dinner and then the kitchari for dinner, and ate slowly. This time I got fuller faster, and I tried to get down a few more bites because I knew the next stretch of time would be the most difficult because I would be awake and without food. I contemplated whether or not I should watch TV, and I settled on a monodiet of Boy Meets World…at least I was keeping with a theme.

After 4 hours of binge watching Boy Meets World, I was starving. All I could think about was Chinese leftovers in the fridge. So, I texted my dear friend who was more than prepared with an article telling me that cleanses were stupid and I was doing nothing that I couldn’t achieve from just eating right. As I tore through Krab Rangoon and bags of cookies, I realized that maybe the article was right. Maybe instead of choosing three days of the cleanse, I should just change my eating habits to something more balanced.

So, in conclusion… Enjoy your life in moderation. Life is not worth throwing your money away on something you aren’t going to enjoy. It always ends the same, no matter how seriously you take it.

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